压迫

外面绵绵的细雨，打在屋顶上滴滴答答的，天气不会太冷，但这场雨足以让平时的热气撤退。这是一个很适合安稳入睡的晚上。

但，我却失眠了。凌晨三点钟，我聆听雨滴的足迹，但心从来没被雨滴的凉气平复下来。

最近发现到自己好像愈来愈不像自己。万锦杨到底发生了什么事？为什么每逢晚上，我头脑还是特别清醒？而且还会很不由自主地想起很多的东西。想起很多自己控制不到的东西，也想起一些自己可以控制的事情，但却不知所措。想起那些遗失的美好，想起自己这一路走来的蜕变，想起一些自己做过一些错的决定，想起自己的缺点，想着当下，想着她。想着想着又会把时光往前加速，想到自己的未来，未来的生活，未来的爱情，未来到底会怎样？

明天还有考试。若是以前的我，早就逼自己睡了。最近，觉得自己对考试看得没像以前那么重了。这是好事吗？我不懂。或许我开始发现人生不再是考试那么单纯。

今晚的雨不大。奇怪的是，整个下午的天都灰灰的，但怎么下的是绵绵的细雨呢？这场雨，似乎像我的心一样，被压迫着。我的心，其实很想狂奔；但往往许多里里外外的因素，造成我有一种无形的压迫，就像布满天空的乌云不能下一场倾盆大雨的无奈。

突然我好希望顿时下一场好大好大的雨，好让成千上万的雨珠为我的压迫感出一口气，让我可以聆听我的心声，更勇敢的找到真正的自己。

考试

日子一天一天的走了，我还停留在原地。
来得及吗？还有五科嘞。。。

这次的考试令我感到很渺茫，但惟有抱着进取的态度去面对。
面对，并不代表不会害怕。
害怕，我真的不知所措，可是，我只能跟自己说“尽力吧”！

心动，是好事吗？

我有着一颗不认识爱情的心。二十一年来，爱情从来没被放在心上。是我的心被别的东西装满了；还是我不懂得该把爱情摆设在心的哪个部分，这些我都不知道。曾经错过爱情，就是擦肩而过，可是没檫出火花。但也没什么奇怪，因为我的心对爱情还是很陌生。

上个学期的这个时候（温习周），曾经为它感到烦恼，甚至无法专心温习。考试将近，怎么这次又是在这种关键时刻，我的心又被风吹起了波浪？心动是好是坏？不过，这些好，坏都言之过早。葡萄才刚被收割，酒桶刚刚被钉成。葡萄需要被碾碎后放进酒桶里，盖好后摆放于适当的温度及湿气的暗房，慢慢酝酿，才会变成红酒。红酒的口感及味道多多少少受葡萄的素质影响，但酝酿时期是个关键。我相信，爱情也是如此。

所以，先好好温习吧！

《无题》

跟她聊了天，觉得好高兴。

不知道为什么。。。反正就是高兴。

明天回家了，感觉真好。大家加油吧！

Moody + Confused = Unhappy?

Exam is getting closer as each time the calender flips to a new page, and the pressure gradually builds up with an inversely proportional correlation with the time left. As mentioned on the previous post, I would describe myself as a potato couch lately; what I do the most is just eating and sleeping. Sloth totally consumes me.

I am left with the last assignment and this does not even excite me to quickly finish it in order to clear my to-do-list. Biometry and experimental design is not of my subject of interest, so I admit that my bad attitude would block that from my mind. But, the struggle is that, even if I dislike the subject, I still have to sit for the exam, cause there is no way out; it's a compulsory subject for a Biochemistry student. This is not my semester as many weird subjects are on the list: C programming ( Gosh, I totally hate this! I am so not a fan of programming and damn, I have to take this, it's compulsory too!), Recombinant DNA Technology and Biometry and Experimental Design. Flipping through all these notes makes me feel devastated as I don't know most of the contents, especially C programming. I need a very much longer time to really get to know what are all these subjects about and time is running out, but laziness persists in me. I must quickly switch into study mode! *click*

Today is the last session of the TDR lab, better known as the Recombinant DNA Technology practical. Today the session ends 2 hours earlier as we are allowed to visit the Malaysian Genomic Institute(MGI). The visit is quite helpful in assisting me to have an insight of what I really want in future. MGI carries out many researches, namely protein expression, microarray, DNA sequencing and so on. DNA sequencing is totally out of the list as I hate to work with computers from morning to evening. Protein expression, maybe, as it involves microbes. Microarray, quite relevent to cancer research, but I just don't know why am I not interested. Suddenly, I am starting to feel that I am not so into lab work... Previously, I thought I would prefer lab work rather than everything else as I have had bad experiences working with humans (customers), who keeps on bothering me with many unnecessary problems and I though that lab work would bring it to the minimum level. However, currently I have to admit that my thoughts are starting to shake as I find myself getting a little tired for being in the lab for long hours. Imagine in future, it's going to be from monday to friday(or even saturday in private companies), and for how many years would it lasts? Gosh, I am sweating even when I am only thinking of the situation.

So, what's next? Why am I so fickle-minded and unpredictable? I am starting to worry as I only have 3 more semesters to really think about it before I come to another decision-making threshold, again...Think properly.

Laziness

After so many posts, i realized that my blog has become a mandarin dictionary. Time to switch back to English, for a change, at least.

Why am i so lazy lately? I am craving for sleep, even after getting sufficient sleep. I grab every single chances of evening naps, and yet can't have enough of them. Further more, they are not really naps; they could last for 2 hours+ if my free time permits. ArrHHH, I am so lazy lately.

The weather is getting scorching hot lately, never improved eversince I am back from Penang after the Raya holidays, only gets worse day by day. This type of weather makes people feels dizzily tired, even when you are just sitting there, doing nothing but surfing the net. Is this the perfect explanation for my sluggishness?

The semester is ending soon. Time to start getting serious with my studies, though I am absolutely reluctant of that. Looking forward to going back to my little but fantastic island.

《我不是你想象那么勇敢》

有时觉得梁文音的这首歌很适合我，可以说是唱出了我的心声。
有时真的觉得自己不是真的坚强及勇敢，只是戴上面具来隐藏心中的恐与慌。

诉说心情

忙了两个月，现在终于放慢了脚步，当回原本万锦杨。


昨晚，会是我一生难忘的一晚。在三千位观众面前表演，人生会有多少次机会呢？或许昨晚就是唯一一次的机会。化完妆后集体流泪的经验，哭得稀里哗啦后，又忙着去补妆，这种经验是独一无二的。

这个星期，真的很忙。忙到没见到housemates，忙到每晚只睡大约五个小时，忙到不断自问为什么要参加这活动，忙到很想放弃。

回顾面试，那时的我完全不会演戏，可是却误打误闯地被选为演员。在过程中，一开始，我超爱去练习，因为觉得很好玩。到拍戏正式开始时，我的噩梦也就开始了。被老师们挑戏，挑来挑去都是挑着同样的东西，因为我改变不到自己的演艺方式，很僵硬，不自然。挑到老师也感到不耐烦的同时，我自己的信心也渐渐磨损了。当时不断收到批评，但无论怎么改，都改不到老师要的东西，那种心情是从来没有经历过的。那时，每逢练习，我都会感到厌倦。可是，我还是得走下去，以那剩下的信心继续撑下去。一直到上个星期彩排时，又再次受打击。在六七十人面前被老师批评，这就像在我的伤口上撒盐般的痛。可是，我知道老师的出发点是好的，所以才有力量坚持下去，才会有昨晚的成就。

昨晚的心情分享环节，老师要我们回顾整个过程。随着音乐的播放，我边想边流泪了。每个老师都出来说出自己的感受，场面感人，连一些助导及工作人员也跟着一起哭。秋坪老师出来说话的时候，让我更感动，因为我知道她在说着的那个人是我。到昨晚那个时候，我才知道，其实我应该衷心感谢她，以及其他老师当时对我的坦诚批评。是他们令我成长的。真的很感谢老师们的耐心及包容，也谢谢明杰老师跟我分享他的经历，让我能够勇敢地站起来。谢谢战友们的支持及鼓励，没有你们，我走不到那舞台上。PT30 是我们共同的回忆。

突然间，好想念这一切哦。可是，它已经是过去了。今天起，就当回自己吧！应该说，是变成更好的自己。希望大家日后还会有缘在聚。